1. Stages of fatherhood. First, you’re a jungle gym. Then you’re a mediator. And then you’re an ATM.
2. Isn’t religion just the middleman that takes a cut every time you pray?
3. BFF shouldn’t be used for anyone who hasn’t helped you move a body.
4. I’m surprised child services hasn’t taken Dora the Explorer into protective custody.
5. I want to start a goth dance venue called the Baby Seal.
6. Work is an irrational interruption to one’s private life.
7. Shallow people often confuse obscure with deep.
8. There’s something completely liberating about accepting the fact that most of the world couldn’t care less you exist.
9. Just because you’re talented and special doesn’t obligate the universe to acknowledge this in anyway.
10. Life is like sex. If the answer to “how’s it going?” is “it’s complicated”, you’re probably doing it wrong.
11. The word “fondle” can’t be used in any sentence with positive connotations. I don’t think you can fondle anything without being creepy.
12. Sometimes, whatever it takes is alot.
13. Everything has an expiration date. Saving yourself for marriage at 20 is commendable. Saving yourself for marriage at 60, not so much.
14. If you’re an English major and haven’t figured out that only poets read poets, you’re in for a surprise.
15. I don’t get the phrase, “Happiness is the best revenge.” Shouldn’t you have gotten over it my now?
16. Dead people are gullible. “You can only speak through me. Your son want to know where you hid the money?” doesn’t work with live people.
17. Michael Cera is the new Molly Ringwald.
18. If your movie has a 5 minutes exposition at the end explaining what happened the previous 90 minutes, it sucks no matter what anyone says. I’m looking at you Vanilla Sky.
19. Minority Report would have been a better movie if Tom Cruise’s character died at the end which pretty much can be said about any of his movies really.
20. If they called them Sad Meals then kids wouldn’t buy them.
21. I use to know everything. Now I don’t know anything. Senility is full of surprises.
22. When someone tells me it’s as easy as pie, I always have to clarify if they mean pie or pi. Neither of which seem that easy.
23. It’s never good when a friend suggests an activity followed by the words “What’s the worse that could happen?”
24. Late notices are just society’s way of telling you to stop play World of Warcraft for awhile.
25. The problem with the MySpace mood update is that there’s no setting for ironic or ambivalent.
26. Liking something mainstream and popular doesn’t make you cool. Hating it doesn’t make you cool either.
27. The reason I don’t talk to dogs or gods is because you’re considered psychotic if they decide to talk back.
28. A typo is just your brains way of saying your grammar needs work. Either that or type slower.
29. I will never forgive Twilight for associating Super Massive Blackhole with sparkly vampires playing baseball.
30. Sex with the light off shouldn’t be allowed until you can find your way around with the lights on.
31. Now that I’m older, I wish my favorite bands would sell Daytimers instead of t-shirts.