I collect fortune cookie fortunes. I also try to come up with misfortunes that would be the opposite of fortunes. I’m easily amused.

Here are some misfortunes I’ve put on Twitter over the years:

Derelict is a perfectly valid lifestyle choice.

You won’t able to describe the extent of your bad hair day without using the words ‘cocaine’ or ‘squirrel’.

Being on Jerry Springer will be the highlight of your life.

Your parents raised you the best they could with what they had to work with.

Your continued well-being is a testament to the self-control of everyone around you.

Now you can add Microsoft Bing as another search engine that doesn’t know you exist either.

The hotel of your mind has many vacancies.

Money can’t buy happiness is just what rich people tell the poor to make them feel better.

Don’t take it personally that the villagers end up chasing you with blazing torches.

Either Oliver Stone or Michael Moore will make a movie about your life.

The purpose of your life will be to serve as an abject lesson to others.

It is likely you will become Miss Havisham but with cats instead of money.

Your helicopter parenting and pathologically underachieving children will be the high point of your life.

Your esoteric college major will make you feel special until you graduate and join the workforce.

Aging gracefully will be the least of your worries.

It is very possible that you will achieve mediocrity in your lifetime.

You are the only common denominator among all your failed relationships.

You will eventually realize that spandex is a privilege and not a right.

Your 15 minutes of fame will involve a car chase and reality television.

Love is waiting for you around the corner. Credit card not accepted.

It’s never too late to curl into a ball in the corner and weep.

Don’t call her back. Get a restraining order. Remember to use the ointment.

You are slowly dying, one chicken nugget at a time.

If you were on the Starship Enterprise, you would be wearing a red shirt.

Your raging sense of entitlement is your best quality.

Taking the blue pill isn’t going to be that much better.

You will spend your life asking the question: is it love or pity?

Even your imaginary friends don’t want to play with you.

You will be given a Darwin Award sometime in your near future.

Knowing that you’re beautiful on the inside is going to have to be enough.

You are who you pretend to be. Too bad you have no imagination.

Life sucks. Oh wait, not mine. Yours.

Just because you’re special or talented doesn’t obligate the universe to acknowledge it in any way.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what can be procrastinated upon today.

If you were meant to be successful, it probably would have happened by now.

All your exes are now happily married.

You will die penniless and alone. Have a nice day.