I have two friends who deejay alt/goth/EBM and 80′s music. They are awesome so I dance where they deejay and rarely go elsewhere.

One deejays at a club that’s an old cathedral, unimaginatively named The Church. Yes, that place is as cool as it sounds, unless you’re a young Servas guest from Poland from a Catholic family. Then, it’s just sacrilegious. I didn’t know. Oops.

The other deejays at a place called Milk, supposedly named after the Korova Milk Bar from A Clockwork Orange. However, I was disappointed the first time there when I didn’t see any naked mannequins for tables. Epic fail.

On the plus side, Milk has couches and pillows and oil paintings of Jimi Hendrix and Lucille Ball, and it had Deejay Mike last night. He’s very old school which is to say that at one period in his career, he had to beat mix on vinyl. Also, he doesn’t play shitty music.

In a club setting, shitty music is anything that people aren’t dancing to. This, of course, changes from week to week because club people are fickle like God or children. However, all shitty music stems from shitty deejays. I’ve been subjected to plenty and here’s my easy guide on how to tell if you’re a shitty deejay.

1. You try to play cool music no one will dance to. E-jays or Ego Jockeys are easy to spot. They’re the ones that want to be the tastemakers by playing lots of esoteria because they don’t want to be trendy. I like new music, but if you’re music empties the dance floor for more than 15 minutes, you suck.

2. You try to be cool by playing the same thing every week. There’s a game that my friends and I play called Guess-The-Next-Song. If we can consistently guess the next song, you suck.

3. You’re too cool to play requests. People like it you when you play requests, especially IF THERE’S NO ONE ELSE DANCING.  Your  job is to get people to dance.  We get it when it’s busy and you forget our requests as soon as we walk away. But if I’m there early and the only other occupants are five seat warmers, and it takes an hour for you play my request, you suck.

4. You try to be cool by playing something “outrageous”. You know what. I like old Motley Crue. Yes, I did get to see Tommy Lee drum upside down in mid-air & bought the t-shirt. I think Nikki Sixx’s 2007 album, the Heroine Diaries is an awesome album. Of course, you wouldn’t know that you hipster POSER so stick to Wolfsheim, VNV Nation and the stuff you actually do know. Journey is only hip and ironic after Marilyn Manson if you can get people to dance to it. Otherwise, it just goes to show you suck.

If you couldn’t tell, all this suckage comes from deejays trying to be cool. Deejay Mike isn’t young and hip wearing latex and buckles. He’s close to 40 and wears shorts and soccer t-shirts because “this booth gets really hot” as the night progresses. He has a lot of fans because he knows his shit. The good shit from Kraftwerk to the latest Pet Shop Boys release. And the bad shit, making the music all about the deejay instead of the dancers.

That’s why he’s so cool.