I use to be kind of cute in early 20’s. Now I’m fat, almost forty and the only person who finds me sexy is my wife, Torrie, because she’s required to in the Marriage Contract.  On page 3.  Or was that page 13?  Anyway, the contract clearly states:  Husband will always be sexy, not just cute and lovable, despite ballooning girth and inability to see his toes.

On the other hand on page 47, it states she must maintain her 110lbs which is chauvinistic and antiquated but I never claimed to be evolved in any way.  Guys don’t evolve. We just learn to get it in writing.

Torrie and I have been married 13 years.  She’s the only one who’s been able to put up with me which either goes to prove that she knows something I don’t know or she got dropped on the head.  And sweetie, if you’re reading this, that time after we first met when I dropped you on your head doing that swing dancing flip…TOTALLY an accident, I swear.

I’ll be forty next year and even though I’ve been spreading out my midlife crisis into smaller impending birthday crises over the last 15 years, I decided I might was well do something young and foolish early this year like writing this blog.  Because blogging is only for young people with their tight skin and their judgment.  This way I won’t do something too silly next year.

I’m not really the blondes-blow-and-Bugatti-Veyron-midlife-crisis type of guy.  I’m more of the climbing-Kilimanjaro-will-make-me-cool-midlife-crisis type of guy because Michael Crichton did it and wrote about it in a book I read when I was 20 and still had the physical capacity to match the desire to hike the 6 day Machame Route uphill through thinning air.

I figure better this blog than squandering my daughters’ college tuition.  I hope they both read this in 15 years and realize how close they came to going to a local community college instead of Vassar or Brown.  Also, if this doesn’t work I can always live my failed dreams through them.  Kidding.  I love my kids.

That’s why I’ll wait until they both can read before I ask them to sign their Helicopter Parent contracts.

Category: Self-delusion isn't pretty | 1 - Leave a comment