I call it glam goth: Adam Lambert at the the American Music Awards, Lady Gaga’s photoshoot for Out magazine, Miley Cyrus in black eyeliner, Rihanna in a hasp collar, and sparkly vampires. Peter Murphy’s cameo in New moon is a long way from the opening scene of the Hunger. Bela Legosi really is dead. Goth is dead. Long live the new goth.

The gothsters (hipsters but wearing vinyl and platform heels) moan and groan that it’s not really goth. That it’s faux-goth. It’s surface level goth like Rihanna’s little foray into fetish wear in her Disturbia video.

Goth is much deeper and more meaningful like the Cure’s Lovecats.

Besides, goth isn’t fashion. It’s about the music. Of course, that music ranges from early darkwave to industrial to it’s current EBM/electropop phase. It’s goth if it gets played in at goth clubs? I guess this means Nirvana was goth for the 2 years the deejays overplayed Smells Like Teens Spirits.

Goth has always been about the exploration and acceptance of the darker nature of things. Who’s to say one person’s search is more valid than another’s?

The current economy coupled with the realization that some things will never be fixed is getting the mainstream to take a hard look at the Yin. Goth isn’t doom-and-gloom. Goth is the permission to look at those things that balance the light.

With the success of New Moon, which almost made more than the new Batman on opening weekend, Hollywood is repackaging goth (NCIS, the Vampire Diaries, Interview with a Vampire remake with Robert Downey Jr.) as I’m writing this. Last weekend, my friend Brad brought his corporate co-workers to one of the goth nights. The mainstream is flocking to see what the fuss is about.

It’s nice to see people learn to play in the dark. Just as long as it’s not slit-your-wrist dark because that would be emo and that’s faux-goth, too.

I’ve never liked those birthday posts that were thinly veiled brag letters so I decided to write my birthday post as a Mad Lib template that can be used for all future boasting.

Dear friends,

So much has happened over the last year, you wouldn’t believe that I   am trying to make it sound that I did more than eat, sleep and work (accomplishment) .

But let’s start at the beginning. With family. My  two (number) children are amazing.  I love them so much because  I’m hoping their successes negate my failures (reason you love them).  They’ve grown so much over the last year.

My 1st (1st/2nd/etc)  daughter (son/daughter) has learned to turn on the tv & DVD player by herself (accomplishment.)

My  2nd (1st/2nd/etc)  daughter (son/daughter) has learned to not pee her pants for the most part (accomplishment.)

My (1st/2nd/etc) (son/daughter) has learned to (accomplishment.)

My (1st/2nd/etc) (son/daughter) has learned to (accomplishment.)

My wife (wife/husband/SO/booty call) has  put up with me for another year (accomplishment) which is awesome and I completely support her every step of the way.

As for myself, I’ll be brief and list my top for highlights from the last year:

1.   Got a raise.
2.  Went on vacation.
3.  Bought something really expensive .
4.  Tried to make the above sound cooler than when other people do it .

However, most of all I want to be thankful for how wonderful and how perfect and what absolute dream come true my life has been. I’m most thankful that I didn’t get downsized in current economy (reason).

I hope this post doesn’t come across as bragging. I just wanted to catch everyone up on what I’ve been doing for the last year. I hope your lives have been just as wonderful and I’m wishing you all the very best.

Sincerely,

Corin

P.S. – I’m so doing one of these Mad Libs for those Christmas letters that I get every year.

Dear Single Friends,

I feel blessed and lucky to have so many single friends because I can live vicariously through your stories.  Your stories are exciting.  I am married and therefore boring.  I can’t remember the last time I woke up on a strange floor without my pants and my recollection of the last 8 hours.  Like I said, I’m boring.

My naked stories usually involve getting peed on and a diaper change.  Come to think of it, your stories involve getting peed on and a diaper change.  However, my 2 year old does it for free which doesn’t make my story as interesting.

I’m grateful that you try to include me in spur-of-the-moment outings, but I am married and have lost all capacity for spontaneity.

Earlier today, a single friend invited me to go dancing with him tonight.  I told him “I’m busy with kid stuff” and needed more than 3 hours notice.  I say “I’m busy with kid stuff” often, but it’s true.  Really.  It’s not an excuse.

I don’t elaborate on what “kid stuff” entails and this might lead you, my single friends, into interpreting “I’m busy with kid stuff” as a brush off.  It’s not.  I don’t talk about my kids because I like that you are my friends, and I know your eyes will glaze over like a Christmas ham the first time I say the words “diaper genie”.

However, in order to clear up any misunderstanding, I’ve put together this short FAQ.

Why don’t you return my text message more promptly?

Most likely, at the time of  your message, I was explaining to my 6 year old why she shouldn’t draw on her 2 year old sister.  This actually takes quite a bit of time because one answer begets more questions like, why don’t you just wash her later?  Which leads to more questions like, why is your inconvenience in bathing my sister a second time more important than my need for self-expression?

These questions have to be answered carefully or else the questions spin out of control eventually leading to:

1. If the Jewish don’t believe in Jesus, does this mean they all go to hell?

or

2. Why do you and mommy have handcuffs?

Both of which, I’m unprepared to answer at this time.

Why can’t you nap the kids earlier/later?

You know how some people get cranky in the morning without their coffee.  Well, my kids don’t like the taste of coffee.  Also, coffee stains are a pain to get out of a sippy cup.

My youngest when she’s off schedule has been known to scream for 3 hour straight.

I’m sure you single guys have had an ex-girlfriend at some point in your life who just got pissy and would whine at you for hours.  It’s just like that if your ex shit her pants, puked down the front of her shirt and ran around the house refusing a change of clothes.

How come you don’t know if you will make it to my event even though I’ve given you a month’s notice?

At random times, my oldest daughter desperately needs me to sit quietly in the corner of her room and listen to her for hours as she tells me about the new rock she found and how she thinks it’s magical and will summon unicorns when she falls asleep.  I don’t know how I know, but if at that moment I do not sit there, she will either take up stripping or serial killing.

Yes, I would love meet you at the strip club for your bachelor party as long as I know my daughter won’t be there at some future date, trying to put herself through med school.  Yes, it’s very hypocritical of me.

What are you so busy doing that you can’t come out before 9pm?

1.  Kids smell.  The school has told us not to bring the kids to class if the smell persists.  Unfortunately, bathing is a temporary solution.  The smell comes back so we have to keep doing it.

2.  Kids are messy.  All the parenting magazines say that we should feed and clothe our kids.  Who knew?  This leads to dishes and laundry.

3.  My kids eventually get bored of watching movies so they insist I read to them, take them to parks and interact with them like the real dad’s they see in the movies.  I really should pay more attention to what they watch.  Note to self:  more movies with explosions.

Hopefully, this explains to you why I’m such a dullard and I hope to see you out on my regularly scheduled dancing night.

Sincerely,

Corin

Jennifer Batten.  My wife is about 6000 words into writing her fictional novel about a lead singer of a heavy metal band who decided to pull a JD Salinger at the top of his career.  Last week, Torrie and I were talking about this lead singer’s band and Torrie mentioned that she imagined a female guitarist.  Of course, I mentioned Jennifer Batten.  If you’re into metal or guitars, she’s the most famous female guitarist.  Jennifer wrote for Guitar magazine for years.   She was the guitarist for the Bad, Dangerous and History World Tours, but I remember her from the Dirty Diana video.

Slash.  Speaking of guitarists.  My wife is reading various heavy metal biographies for her book.  She’s currently reading Slash’s book.  He played guitar for “Black or White” on the Dangerous album.   Slash has also done a few special appearances on several award shows and concerts playing guitar for “Beat It“, “Billy Jean” and of course, “Black or White”.

Wade Robson.  On Wednesdays, I watch So You Think You Can Dance.  I love, love, love that show.  Each week, I’m hoping that this will be one of the weeks that Wade Robson choreographs a piece.  Sorry Mia Michaels, but Wade Robson is my favorite choreographer on that show.

Wade’s dance career started at 4 when he did a dance routine to “Smooth Criminal” with the full outfit for an Australian TV talent show.  Subsequently, he got invited to perform at the Brisbane leg of the Bad Tour.  Several years later, at age 8, he appeared on America’s Star Search dancing to “The Way You Make Me Feel“.

Wade career kicked into high gear as a teenager, dancing and choreographing for pretty much every pop princess and boy band with a dance routine.  Amazing dancer as he is, Wade’s is godlike as a choreographer and still heavily influenced by his early career.

Al Yankovic.  Yesterday on Twitter, Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman mentioned that Al Yankovic showed up at Amanda’s concert that they met Al for the first time.  Whenever I hear Al’s name, I’m reminded of all the times I heard Al’s Eat It and Fat parodies on the Dr. Demento show when I was growing up.

The moonwalk.  So I was rewatching Hamlet 2 last Saturday.  Hilarious.  The movie climaxes with the Rock Me Sexy Jesus number.  I’m not linking to it because you have to watch the entire movie which builds up to that scene.   In the middle of  that number, Steve Coogan, who’s playing Jesus, does the moonwalk on water.

You’ll be missed Michael.

I have two friends who deejay alt/goth/EBM and 80′s music. They are awesome so I dance where they deejay and rarely go elsewhere.

One deejays at a club that’s an old cathedral, unimaginatively named The Church. Yes, that place is as cool as it sounds, unless you’re a young Servas guest from Poland from a Catholic family. Then, it’s just sacrilegious. I didn’t know. Oops.

The other deejays at a place called Milk, supposedly named after the Korova Milk Bar from A Clockwork Orange. However, I was disappointed the first time there when I didn’t see any naked mannequins for tables. Epic fail.

On the plus side, Milk has couches and pillows and oil paintings of Jimi Hendrix and Lucille Ball, and it had Deejay Mike last night. He’s very old school which is to say that at one period in his career, he had to beat mix on vinyl. Also, he doesn’t play shitty music.

In a club setting, shitty music is anything that people aren’t dancing to. This, of course, changes from week to week because club people are fickle like God or children. However, all shitty music stems from shitty deejays. I’ve been subjected to plenty and here’s my easy guide on how to tell if you’re a shitty deejay.

1. You try to play cool music no one will dance to. E-jays or Ego Jockeys are easy to spot. They’re the ones that want to be the tastemakers by playing lots of esoteria because they don’t want to be trendy. I like new music, but if you’re music empties the dance floor for more than 15 minutes, you suck.

2. You try to be cool by playing the same thing every week. There’s a game that my friends and I play called Guess-The-Next-Song. If we can consistently guess the next song, you suck.

3. You’re too cool to play requests. People like it you when you play requests, especially IF THERE’S NO ONE ELSE DANCING.  Your  job is to get people to dance.  We get it when it’s busy and you forget our requests as soon as we walk away. But if I’m there early and the only other occupants are five seat warmers, and it takes an hour for you play my request, you suck.

4. You try to be cool by playing something “outrageous”. You know what. I like old Motley Crue. Yes, I did get to see Tommy Lee drum upside down in mid-air & bought the t-shirt. I think Nikki Sixx’s 2007 album, the Heroine Diaries is an awesome album. Of course, you wouldn’t know that you hipster POSER so stick to Wolfsheim, VNV Nation and the stuff you actually do know. Journey is only hip and ironic after Marilyn Manson if you can get people to dance to it. Otherwise, it just goes to show you suck.

If you couldn’t tell, all this suckage comes from deejays trying to be cool. Deejay Mike isn’t young and hip wearing latex and buckles. He’s close to 40 and wears shorts and soccer t-shirts because “this booth gets really hot” as the night progresses. He has a lot of fans because he knows his shit. The good shit from Kraftwerk to the latest Pet Shop Boys release. And the bad shit, making the music all about the deejay instead of the dancers.

That’s why he’s so cool.