I collect fortune cookie fortunes. I also try to come up with misfortunes that would be the opposite of fortunes. I’m easily amused.

Here are some misfortunes I’ve put on Twitter for the years:

Derelict is a perfectly valid lifestyle choice.

You won’t able to describe the extent of your bad hair day without using the words ‘cocaine’ or ‘squirrel’.

Being on Jerry Springer will be the highlight of your life.

Your parents raised you the best they could with what they had to work with.

Your continued well-being is a testament to the self-control of everyone around you.

Now you can add Microsoft Bing as another search engine that doesn’t know you exist either.

The hotel of your mind has many vacancies.

Money can’t buy happiness is just what rich people tell the poor to make them feel better.

Don’t take it personally that the villagers end up chasing you with blazing torches.

Either Oliver Stone or Michael Moore will make a movie about your life.

The purpose of your life will be to serve as an abject lesson to others.

It is likely you will become Miss Havisham but with cats instead of money.

Your helicopter parenting and pathologically underachieving children will be the high point of your life.

Your esoteric college major will make you feel special until you graduate and join the workforce.

Aging gracefully will be the least of your worries.

It is very possible that you will achieve mediocrity in your lifetime.

You are the only common denominator among all your failed relationships.

You will eventually realize that spandex is a privilege and not a right.

Your 15 minutes of fame will involve a car chase and reality television.

Love is waiting for you around the corner. Credit card not accepted.

It’s never too late to curl into a ball in the corner and weep.

Don’t call her back. Get a restraining order. Remember to use the ointment.

You are slowly dying, one chicken nugget at a time.

If you were on the Starship Enterprise, you would be wearing a red shirt.

Your raging sense of entitlement is your best quality.

Taking the blue pill isn’t going to be that much better.

You will spend your life asking the question: is it love or pity?

Even your imaginary friends don’t want to play with you.

You will be given a Darwin Award sometime in your near future.

Knowing that you’re beautiful on the inside is going to have to be enough.

You are who you pretend to be. Too bad you have no imagination.

Life sucks. Oh wait, not mine. Yours.

Just because you’re special or talented doesn’t obligate the universe to acknowledge it in any way.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what can be procrastinated upon today.

If you were meant to be successful, it probably would have happened by now.

All your exes are now happily married.

You will die penniless and alone. Have a nice day.

1. Stages of fatherhood. First, you’re a jungle gym. Then you’re a mediator. And then you’re an ATM.
2. Isn’t religion just the middleman that takes a cut every time you pray?
3. BFF shouldn’t be used for anyone who hasn’t helped you move a body.
4. I’m surprised child services hasn’t taken Dora the Explorer into protective custody.
5. I want to start a goth dance venue called the Baby Seal.
6. Work is an irrational interruption to one’s private life.
7. Shallow people often confuse obscure with deep.
8. There’s something completely liberating about accepting the fact that most of the world couldn’t care less you exist.
9. Just because you’re talented and special doesn’t obligate the universe to acknowledge this in anyway.
10. Life is like sex. If the answer to “how’s it going?” is “it’s complicated”, you’re probably doing it wrong.
11. The word “fondle” can’t be used in any sentence with positive connotations. I don’t think you can fondle anything without being creepy.
12. Sometimes, whatever it takes is alot.
13. Everything has an expiration date. Saving yourself for marriage at 20 is commendable. Saving yourself for marriage at 60, not so much.
14. If you’re an English major and haven’t figured out that only poets read poets, you’re in for a surprise.
15. I don’t get the phrase, “Happiness is the best revenge.” Shouldn’t you have gotten over it my now?
16. Dead people are gullible. “You can only speak through me. Your son want to know where you hid the money?” doesn’t work with live people.
17. Michael Cera is the new Molly Ringwald.
18. If your movie has a 5 minutes exposition at the end explaining what happened the previous 90 minutes, it sucks no matter what anyone says. I’m looking at you Vanilla Sky.
19. Minority Report would have been a better movie if Tom Cruise’s character died at the end which pretty much can be said about any of his movies really.
20. If they called them Sad Meals then kids wouldn’t buy them.
21. I use to know everything. Now I don’t know anything. Senility is full of surprises.
22. When someone tells me it’s as easy as pie, I always have to clarify if they mean pie or pi. Neither of which seem that easy.
23. It’s never good when a friend suggests an activity followed by the words “What’s the worse that could happen?”
24. Late notices are just society’s way of telling you to stop play World of Warcraft for awhile.
25. The problem with the MySpace mood update is that there’s no setting for ironic or ambivalent.
26. Liking something mainstream and popular doesn’t make you cool. Hating it doesn’t make you cool either.
27. The reason I don’t talk to dogs or gods is because you’re considered psychotic if they decide to talk back.
28. A typo is just your brains way of saying your grammar needs work. Either that or type slower.
29. I will never forgive Twilight for associating Super Massive Blackhole with sparkly vampires playing baseball.
30. Sex with the light off shouldn’t be allowed until you can find your way around with the lights on.
31. Now that I’m older, I wish my favorite bands would sell Daytimers instead of t-shirts.